I Love the Coronavirus
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I Love the Coronavirus

Before I say anything else, let me just make a quick disclaimer here because I don't think my gracious hosts want a page that implies support for the deaths of over a million people and counting on their servers. This article (drunken rant) is about my personal positive experiences with the whole coronavirus event, and not some declaration of mass-deaths being a positive thing.

Anyway, my point is that the COVID epidemic has been a wonderful experience for me through and through. As you may have figured out on your way to this page, I am autistic, as introverted as it is possible to be, and quite misanthropic. I also went into this whole adventure months after living through the most traumatic experience of my entire life and trying to put together the pieces from it, so there's that. Obviously I don't claim to speak for the average person here, or any other person really. I think I might've just accidentally reiterated the previous paragraph here. I'm drunk. I tend to do that.

Almost everything about the coronavirus restrictions almost feels like my attempts to influence the Noosphere (more on this concept in the future) have finally borne fruit and government leaders have started tripping over themselves to construct my perfect society. Medical experts just haven't worked out how to market Kemetism and autism acceptance as coronavirus prevention techniques yet.

Face masks are great. People complaining and calling them face diapers would benefit from having an actual diaper installed on their face to contain the bullshit they're spewing. People in Asia wear face masks every time there's a contagious disease going around. Do you complain about having to turn your headlights on at night, or having to wear underwear because nobody wants to look at your private parts? I consider myself to be very big on personal freedoms but this is beyond even me. It reminds me of people that complain over not being allowed to sit with their legs six feet apart from each other because they think that their little chapstick tube deserves more personal space than both of the people sitting next to them. Get over yourself.

On top of protecting you from being assaulted by other people's saliva and diseases, they also restrict people from visibly emoting with anything but their eyes, effectively muzzling people's stupid facial animations. My facial expression is limited to staring blankly like an assassin 99% of the time and I see no need to change this, so it's entertaining seeing everybody else suddenly forced into the same playing field. Things like smiling and frowning are understandable but when people start moving their eyes back and forth and curling their lips and doing whatever it just comes off as clownish. Speak your damn piece and stop relying on interpretive dance to get your point across.

Maintaining the proper ratio of eye contact and all of that crap is still bothersome and part of me is tempted to start wearing sunglasses 24/7 too and use the reports of coronavirus infections through eyes as an excuse, but I need my "resting murderer stare" to keep people that I don't know from bothering me.

Speaking of face masks, I'm grateful beyond words that social distancing has made handshakes, hugs, and all other forms of socially acceptable assault impossible to do anymore. I don't know what compels people to want to touch other people's gross, clammy hands or - Bast forbid - kiss their cheeks (my relatives actually do this when greeting each other.) It's disgusting, and it would be disgusting even if there wasn't a solid chance that the person extending their hand to you didn't bother to wash their hands properly (or at all!) after relieving themselves. "I just met you and this may sound weird, but let's get our germs and piss residue all over each other!" Premarital handholding is never OK.

Speaking of how great it is to avoid contact with people, I love working from home. I've seen idiots online actually arguing that people working remotely is a negative development because it will lead to suicide and depression. News flash: if missing out on gossip about what Susan in HR ate for dinner last night is the only thing keeping you from hanging yourself, then you were probably going to do it sooner or later anyway. How about you read a book? Or take a walk in the forest? Or otherwise find some actual meaning in your life? I actually really like my co-workers, but I'll be damned if I trade any of them for the luxury of being able to take a nap break during the workday, or being able to crap in my own toilet.

Mass death aside, the coronavirus has been one of the most (if not the most) objectively hilarious crises in my life. It's done an impeccable job at exposing just how many stupid and outright insane people there are among us. Between the hordes of zombies whose immediate reaction to a deadly pandemic was to fill their house with reserves of toilet paper (or robbing each other over toilet paper,) to wiseasses protesting face masks by cutting holes in their masks, or wearing Norton Anti-Virus CDs on their face instead of a mask (not linking to pictures because I don't believe in public shaming.)

Even more ridiculous was the debacle of leftists screeching about extreme social distancing out of one side of their mouths, and praising decidedly undistanced (and violent) blm rioting. Apparently the entire left thinks that the coronavirus is sentient and intelligent enough to tell the difference between a gathering of antifa and a gathering of white supremacists. If that were true, it would objectively make the coronavirus more competent than actual left-wing journalists.

I guess that's all that I have to say. I'll write my next rant sober, if for no other reason than because I can't so much as ask somebody to pass the salt at the dinner table without going into a rant about politics while I'm hammered.